The Huntresses: Charlie's Angels in Korea

I can hear the elevator pitch for this one:

Remember Charlie's Angels? The TV show. Not the movie. Yeah, I know it's been done before. But this time, it's different. How so? Well, they're all Korean. And the Kate Jackson part (Son Ga-in)... Yeah, the one with the short hair. This time she's gonna be the youngest and an expert in explosives, too. Sure, we can give her a love interest (Song Sae-byeok). No, she won't be the brains. That'll be the Jacklyn Smith role (Ha Ji-Won). I told you this was different! Yes, exactly. The one with the prettiest hair. Plus, she'll have PTSD. And she's sweet on a swordsman (Joo Sang-uk) who happens to have PTSD, too. I'm sorry. Did I forget to mention it's set during the Joseon Dynasty? Anyway, no Farrah. More Cheryl Ladd (Kang Ye-won). With a husband (Lee Hee-seok) instead of a sister. Of course, we'll have a Bosley (Ko Chang-seok). No. No Charlie! Why? Because it's NEW! We want to keep it fresh.

Naturally, the movie gets made. And it's cute, thanks to some funny bits like a makeout session between the youngest angel and her virgin love interest; and some martial arts moves involving a pair of lethal yo-yos. If the CGI wasn't so expensive, I bet they would've made this the pilot of a TV show. One can only hope for a sequel. If Drew Barrymore's Angels merit a second feature then Park Jae-hyun's The Huntresses does as well... But who will prove to be the Aaron Spelling of Seoul?

Sector 7: The Oiliest Monster in Town

What attributes would you give a scary sea monster? A long, retractable tongue? A pair of backwards elbow-joints? Blood made of oil that can easily catch fire coupled with a gift for scarring instantaneously thereby creating a seal that prevents further blood flow and oil-fueled flames? Yeah, me neither. I'd probably make the beast of Kim Ji-hoon's Sector 7 more agile in the water than on land and maybe give it night vision (and a hypersensitivity to light) since its natural home is many leagues deep in the ocean. That the killer creature is so unoriginal comes as a particular disappointment because its ancestors are so fascinating: aquatic, sharp-toothed fireflies that resemble the offspring of Tinkerbell and a sperm.

The humans aren't more impressive here either. The alpha female crew member nicknamed "bad-ass" (Ha Ji-won) may be tough as nails but she's also inexplicably inept at crawling. Her uncle (Ahn Sung-ki) isn't nearly as cool as you're initially fooled to believe he is and her motorcycle-riding boyfriend (Oh Ji-ho) doesn't even merit a proper kiss. Everyone in this movie falls short of your hopes including the short-lived resident geneticist (Cha Ye-reyeon) and the pointlessly crabby ship captain (Park Jeong-hak).

What works in Sector 7 is its pro-ecological message: We shouldn't look at living things strictly as revenue generators; we would do well not to keep drilling the planet full of holes and consider other less-invasive energy sources such as solar panels and wind turbines. So next time you come across an oil-producing, underwater demon, put it on the endangered species list instead of sticking a fuel hose up its butt.

Love So Divine: Catholic Taste in Women

When I was growing up, there really was an old shriveled-up married couple, across the street, who were a former nun and a former priest. If memory serves me right, good Catholics that they were, they had six children — four boys and two girls — and found temporary solace in the fact that their oldest son went on to become a priest. As fate would have it though, he too left the church eventually, perhaps because he was gay. He certainly seemed gay. I mention this because the infinitely less transgressive plot of the infinitely less prolific romance Love So Divine concerns a young novitiate (Kwon Sang-woo) who finds himself attracted to the ne'er-do-well niece (Ha Ji-won) of a church father (Kim In-mun) who's overseeing his final days before he's ordained.

What does he see in this young woman that leads him astray from the Lord? Nice legs. Nice ass. Looks good when she wears a veil like Mary. A taste in shoes that needs some guidance. Honestly, you'd think this young man had never seen a woman out of her habit before. Then again, what appeals to him about God? When urged by his short comic sidekick and fellow novice (Kim In-kwon) to describe God as the big man on campus to his charge as a way to increase the Lord's appeal and thereby lead her to a belated baptism, our hero presents a less-than-seductive picture. God ends up sounding like a boring fraternity brother who touts the Bible as cool.

Well, in writer-director Heo In-mu's alternate universe, a girl really can fall head over heels for a guy because he gives her a beaded necklace (a.k.a. a rosary) first and then a silver necklace with a mirrored pendant (for self-reflection and/or adoration) next. After an hour of prayer, she's going to melt when he whips out that matching set of hair-shirts the night of their honeymoon. Heaven knows, there'll be no devilish fun. These are the type of lovers who when they first profess their deepest feelings for each other hug instead of kiss. Soul mates are strictly platonic and would never kiss with the tongue.

Tidal Wave: Cheap Laughs Then a Bucket of Cold Water

For much of writer-director-but-hardly-auteur Yun Je-gyun's Tidal Wave, I wondered... Have I been misinformed? Is this a disaster pic or a spoof? It certainly feels like a spoof. No complaints for my part. To the contrary, I'll gladly laugh and snort in derision on cue. The comic antics of the losers who live, love, and loaf at the beach resort of Haeundae serve two purposes too. 1. They make you chuckle. 2. They make you oh-so-eager for that big wave that's going to wipe all that goofy ineptitude away. And yet when the tsunami strikes -- albeit a little late in the game for my taste -- I inexplicably found myself swept up in the various survivor stories. How the hell did that happen? Maybe, just maybe, that guilt-ridden drunk Man-sik (Sol Kyung-gu), that shrewish bitch Yu-jin (Eom Jeong-hwa), and even that psychotic girlfriend Yeon-heui (Ha Ji-won) deserve to live. Oh, hell no. I take that back. Rise, ocean, rise! Non sequitir: I don't usually watch the DVD extras but this time, I decided to check out the gag reel and boy was it NOT funny. There are a few very disturbing excerpts of a child actor getting smacked and later, that same kid not wanting to simulate drowning no matter what his pay scale. Easily the scariest part of the movie.

Daddy Long Legs: Romance Isn't Always Memorable

An unbelievably lucky orphan (Ha Ji-won) finds a place in the world of radio broadcasting thanks to the help of an anonymous donor who has been paying her way, pulling strings, and sending sentimental gifts like a big talking teddy bear to spur her on. Since Daddy Long Legs is a romance, she instinctively knows this benefactor is a real sweetie, not some old lech. And you know what? Against all the odds, she's right! The gentleman-in-question happens to be the cute guy (Yeon Jeong-hun) who works in the library downstairs. (Guess he's a trust fund baby who works just for fun.) What she hasn't foreseen is that this knight in shining armor is suffering from a debilitating disease that will rob him of his memories then his life. That's what makes Daddy Long Legs a tragic romance. And since this poor girl also happens to be cloyingly cute and pretty untalented, it's a treacly, tragic romance that makes you want to puke. The love that develops between her kooky roommate (Shin Yi) and a producer at the station isn't any more heartwarming. It's funny how a really bad romance can leave you feeling cold. Daddy Long Legs left me feeling downright frigid. Brrrrrr.

100 Days With Mr. Arrogant: Teen Romance for the Marquis De Sade

"Your slave becomes your lover, your lover becomes your wife."

That's a pretty dark sentiment to embed in a goofy rom-com mining laughs from nose-picking, one-liners about tampons, and the slapstick of shoving. Be that as it may, this is the core idea of Shin Dong-yeob's 100 Days With Mr. Arrogant. A twee update of The Taming of the Shrew, Shin's sadistic comedy subs in a poor, underachieving high school senior (Ha Ji-won) for Kate and a spoiled rich college kid (Kim Jae-won) for Petruchio but it's a similarly disquieting fantasy about subjugation as a form of courtship. Even creepier, in this case, when the man enslaves the woman (after she accidentally causes a scratch on his Lexus 430), he isn't doing it because he hopes to make her a wife. He's doing it because he's bored with life in general. That she's cute strikes him as an afterthought; initially he's just looking for someone to clean his apartment, massage his back, and belittle on a daily basis. That he's cute undermines her resistance and causes her to fall head over heels. There's a certain you-can't-help-who-you-fall-for principle at work here...combined with lighthearted cruelty.