The Magnificent Wonderman from Shaolin: Golden Gate

When it comes to martial arts movies out of East Asia in the '70s, establishing the pedigree can be a complicated matter. According to City on Fire's deep-diving critic Paul Branhall, Magnificent Wonderman from Shaolin is notorious Hong Kong film hack Godfrey Ho's reworking of Kim Seon-Gyeong's Korean action pic Golden Gate from a few years earlier. The flick definitely has Korean star power: Casanova Wong, Eagle Han-ying, Elton Chong, and Marty Chui Man Fooi are each prominently featured. And if you're noticing a pattern here re: their names, you probably won't be surprised to learn that this flick has been dubbed into English, albeit of the corniest variety. I doubt the translation's faithful. I suspect the earliest version was best.

But Magnificent Wonderman did get me wondering. Why isn't the dumbed-down dialogue in martial arts movies ever given a homoerotic twist? With its original title (Golden Gate) and no shortage of sexy men, you could easily resituate the story to San Francisco then recast the relationships as romantic rivalries. What if the impressive skull grip that causes a foamy mouth had sexual connotations? What if the old monk with the inverted swastika headband was undercover at a neo-Nazi HQ? How might we reframe the swordplay followed by a fatal kick to the groin? Couldn't the hand that burns with each touch or the jumpcuts between two sets of staring eyes get a queer reinterpretation? I realize that was not the intent of Kim or Ho or any of the players. But what's the point of this movie anyway? And where did those Wolverine fingernails come from?

Space Monster Wangmagwi: UFO SNAFU

On paper (if they use paper on the planet Gamma Castle), the plan looked infallible. Beam a radio-operated monster down to Earth where it'll grow to over 500 times its original size (because of gravitational differences) then go on a murderous rampage thereby destroying the human race and opening the planet for colonization. But the silver-suited Gamma guys haven't factored in Korean tween ingenuity. And so, their extraterrestrial war machine may be able to withstand bullets, rockets, and electric shocks but it can't defeat a young orphan who scales its scaly skin, slices through its ear drums, and unplugs the control sockets located on its back. Sound preposterous? It is.

But Gwon Hyeok-jinn's Space Monster Wangmagwi is also a lot of fun. As its urchin hero, Jeon Sang-cheol sees the intergalactic attack as an elevated form of playground combat. Far from scared, this kid embraces the opportunity to hang on for dear life by giant nose hairs and to take a pee once he's cut his way into the monster's body. A bride-to-be (Kim Seon-kyeong) may be less resourceful — and more self-absorbed — but she's also largely unfazed traveling around in the monster's hand as it smashes buildings and crushes cars. Additional comic relief comes courtesy of two co-workers making bets on the catastrophe's outcome and a man who poops on a page of newspaper when he can't find an office bathroom amidst the melee. The traditional leading man, an airforce pilot (Won Nam-koong) rescues his fiance and a soon-to-be-adopted son by parachute. Unlikely. Unbelievable. Irresistible.

City Ninja: Two Men Who Never Meet

In a martial arts movie like City Ninja, which of two rival heroes do you hope to win? Is it Jimmy (Casanova Wong), the South Korean kickboxer whose red underwear shows when he splits the crotch of his white pants mid-fight on the roof? Or Hong Kong's Wang Li (Michael Chan), an international boxing contender who can high-kick in white slacks without getting them ripped at the junkyard? Undecided? Then evaluate the two men as lovers. Jimmy can make his woman orgasm under red light, in shadow, and in the mirror. Wang Li pleasures one woman on an assortment of gym equipment, including a rowing machine. Still torn? How about considering how they'd spend a big chunk of change. Jimmy wants to use the cash on a wedding; Wang Li wishes to open a gym. If you're not feeling particularly keen for either, don't worry. There are other people who'll stop at nothing to get those coded necklaces suspected to unlock untold riches.

There's the mob boss mistress who gets pregnant and attempts to force Wang Li to run off together at gunpoint. There's the mafioso's second banana who has aspirations of being in charge. There's also the gang of black-cloaked ninjas who, in old times, could vanish in a flash of light; and who, in modern day, throw silver balls that release puffs of blue and red smoke. (The movie's opening scene takes place decades earlier and apparently, in the ensuing years, these masked mercenaries have lost some magic powers.) I suppose you don't have to pick a winner. This film isn't about winners. It's about losers who fight incredibly well while also looking sexy when taking a shower.