The Magnificent Wonderman from Shaolin: Golden Gate

When it comes to martial arts movies out of East Asia in the '70s, establishing the pedigree can be a complicated matter. According to City on Fire's deep-diving critic Paul Branhall, Magnificent Wonderman from Shaolin is notorious Hong Kong film hack Godfrey Ho's reworking of Kim Seon-Gyeong's Korean action pic Golden Gate from a few years earlier. The flick definitely has Korean star power: Casanova Wong, Eagle Han-ying, Elton Chong, and Marty Chui Man Fooi are each prominently featured. And if you're noticing a pattern here re: their names, you probably won't be surprised to learn that this flick has been dubbed into English, albeit of the corniest variety. I doubt the translation's faithful. I suspect the earliest version was best.

But Magnificent Wonderman did get me wondering. Why isn't the dumbed-down dialogue in martial arts movies ever given a homoerotic twist? With its original title (Golden Gate) and no shortage of sexy men, you could easily resituate the story to San Francisco then recast the relationships as romantic rivalries. What if the impressive skull grip that causes a foamy mouth had sexual connotations? What if the old monk with the inverted swastika headband was undercover at a neo-Nazi HQ? How might we reframe the swordplay followed by a fatal kick to the groin? Couldn't the hand that burns with each touch or the jumpcuts between two sets of staring eyes get a queer reinterpretation? I realize that was not the intent of Kim or Ho or any of the players. But what's the point of this movie anyway? And where did those Wolverine fingernails come from?

City Ninja: Two Men Who Never Meet

In a martial arts movie like City Ninja, which of two rival heroes do you hope to win? Is it Jimmy (Casanova Wong), the South Korean kickboxer whose red underwear shows when he splits the crotch of his white pants mid-fight on the roof? Or Hong Kong's Wang Li (Michael Chan), an international boxing contender who can high-kick in white slacks without getting them ripped at the junkyard? Undecided? Then evaluate the two men as lovers. Jimmy can make his woman orgasm under red light, in shadow, and in the mirror. Wang Li pleasures one woman on an assortment of gym equipment, including a rowing machine. Still torn? How about considering how they'd spend a big chunk of change. Jimmy wants to use the cash on a wedding; Wang Li wishes to open a gym. If you're not feeling particularly keen for either, don't worry. There are other people who'll stop at nothing to get those coded necklaces suspected to unlock untold riches.

There's the mob boss mistress who gets pregnant and attempts to force Wang Li to run off together at gunpoint. There's the mafioso's second banana who has aspirations of being in charge. There's also the gang of black-cloaked ninjas who, in old times, could vanish in a flash of light; and who, in modern day, throw silver balls that release puffs of blue and red smoke. (The movie's opening scene takes place decades earlier and apparently, in the ensuing years, these masked mercenaries have lost some magic powers.) I suppose you don't have to pick a winner. This film isn't about winners. It's about losers who fight incredibly well while also looking sexy when taking a shower.

Enter the Invincible Hero: Three Villains

While I certainly esteem the charismatic leading man, a Dragon Lee movie is only as good as its villains and Enter the Invincible Hero has three and what a wild trio they are. A normal martial arts flick would be happy enough with a bad guy like Master Pang (Casanova Wong), the criminal mastermind who wears a white glove over his more murderous hand and whose superstrength can be undone by way of a curious hole in his foot. If that last bit sounds a tad outlandish, consider his even more wicked assistant who has a blinking necklace that supplies him extra power and an outie belly button that's the Achilles' heel of his seven chakras. Yet neither of these malefactors holds a candle to the film's true star: an eyepatched hunchback who uses his hump as a lethal weapon in mano a mano combat. Like a vagabond Richard III, this troll-like leader of the village bandits effuses a contagious glee as he engages in acrobatic moves that range from impossibly high flips to rib crushing body slams.

As for our beloved Dragon, he's up to his usual antics — winning the movie's one pretty girl (who he actually kisses!), outfighting whole posses of evildoers, and being driven to more impassioned fighting by the taste of his own blood (and then amplified from some barechested flexing). You never doubt for a moment that this Korean hunk will emerge victorious but with three worthy opponents, it's fun to see him wipe his nose with his thumb once more (a la Bruce Lee) as he takes on the next man. He won't save everyone in the village but he'll likely save the love interest... and himself.