Sword in the Moon: Let Your Guard Down

Fans of Dragon Lee specifically and cheesy Korean martial arts movies in general may complain that they don't make B-movies like those anymore. How wrong they are. For while Sword in the Moon, Kim Ui-seok's new millenium action pic, may have a larger budget, it's clearly hacked from the same cloth. Its plot of palace guard intrigue doesn't have much to impress but who needs meaningful dialogue when you've got swordplay, archery, horseback-riding, breath-holding contests, medieval torture racks, and decapitations alongside screaming, snarling, grunting, bleeding, and glaring. There's even a suicide and gratuitous nudity, although not simultaneously.

This is the kind of movie where if you really like it and are asked why, you might get stuck blabbering about the period costumes (quite good, especially the hats), the cinematography (uneven), and the fact that there's a masked avenger who turns out to be a woman. I definitely thought the scaly leather worn by the soldiers was cool but that hardly enough for me to tell a friend, "You have to see this movie on Tubi!" If however, the Korean producers staged a reenactment weekend and we got to don the ornate battlewear, I'd happily show up for the festivities. Packets of fake blood included.

Shark: The Beginning: Training Gloves

Bully culture is a real phenomenon. So how do you challenge it? Do you meet might with might? Punch back? Stab in the eye? Kick in the nuts? Or do you form an alliance with someone stronger? Ideally someone with a knockout right hook? The question becomes even more pressing if you find yourself in a juvenille detention center where over half the convicts are adults. (I guess sometimes "a crime is a crime, a punishment is a punishment.") Still, my heart goes out to Cha Wo-sol, the painfully shy nerd who finds himself behind bars after being provoked by a sadistic student. He's learned early on that "Retreat" is a strategy of limited value.

And so Wo-sol (Kim Min-suk) and Mixed Martial Arts loner Do-hyun (Wi Ha-joon) forge a friendship — by way of a physical training intensive — below the barbed wire and within the chained link fence. Both understand what it means to be dealt a bad hand in life. Wo-sol was a victim throughout school; Do-hyun was incarcerated after his mother and sister were killed and he murdered their assailants in revenge. Hence they're primed to bond over pushups, pull-ups, and sit-ups performed under a "don't try, do" ethos. It all leads up to the sweatjacket being shed to reveal the ripped torso underneath. That's the end of Part 1 at least.

Part 2 inevitably puts all the lessons to the test. In Chae Johnny's Shark: The Beginning, the path to redemption or revenge or self-actualization won't be easy. In other words, there will be blood. Blood spills from the lips, the nose, the knuckles, the forehead ... If you're doubting Wo-sol's chances, keep his mentor's comments in mind: "That's your talent. Persistence." And leopard print — no matter who (Jung Won-chang) wears it — is definitely not his kryptonite.

The Magnificent Wonderman from Shaolin: Golden Gate

When it comes to martial arts movies out of East Asia in the '70s, establishing the pedigree can be a complicated matter. According to City on Fire's deep-diving critic Paul Branhall, Magnificent Wonderman from Shaolin is notorious Hong Kong film hack Godfrey Ho's reworking of Kim Seon-Gyeong's Korean action pic Golden Gate from a few years earlier. The flick definitely has Korean star power: Casanova Wong, Eagle Han-ying, Elton Chong, and Marty Chui Man Fooi are each prominently featured. And if you're noticing a pattern here re: their names, you probably won't be surprised to learn that this flick has been dubbed into English, albeit of the corniest variety. I doubt the translation's faithful. I suspect the earliest version was best.

But Magnificent Wonderman did get me wondering. Why isn't the dumbed-down dialogue in martial arts movies ever given a homoerotic twist? With its original title (Golden Gate) and no shortage of sexy men, you could easily resituate the story to San Francisco then recast the relationships as romantic rivalries. What if the impressive skull grip that causes a foamy mouth had sexual connotations? What if the old monk with the inverted swastika headband was undercover at a neo-Nazi HQ? How might we reframe the swordplay followed by a fatal kick to the groin? Couldn't the hand that burns with each touch or the jumpcuts between two sets of staring eyes get a queer reinterpretation? I realize that was not the intent of Kim or Ho or any of the players. But what's the point of this movie anyway? And where did those Wolverine fingernails come from?

City Ninja: Two Men Who Never Meet

In a martial arts movie like City Ninja, which of two rival heroes do you hope to win? Is it Jimmy (Casanova Wong), the South Korean kickboxer whose red underwear shows when he splits the crotch of his white pants mid-fight on the roof? Or Hong Kong's Wang Li (Michael Chan), an international boxing contender who can high-kick in white slacks without getting them ripped at the junkyard? Undecided? Then evaluate the two men as lovers. Jimmy can make his woman orgasm under red light, in shadow, and in the mirror. Wang Li pleasures one woman on an assortment of gym equipment, including a rowing machine. Still torn? How about considering how they'd spend a big chunk of change. Jimmy wants to use the cash on a wedding; Wang Li wishes to open a gym. If you're not feeling particularly keen for either, don't worry. There are other people who'll stop at nothing to get those coded necklaces suspected to unlock untold riches.

There's the mob boss mistress who gets pregnant and attempts to force Wang Li to run off together at gunpoint. There's the mafioso's second banana who has aspirations of being in charge. There's also the gang of black-cloaked ninjas who, in old times, could vanish in a flash of light; and who, in modern day, throw silver balls that release puffs of blue and red smoke. (The movie's opening scene takes place decades earlier and apparently, in the ensuing years, these masked mercenaries have lost some magic powers.) I suppose you don't have to pick a winner. This film isn't about winners. It's about losers who fight incredibly well while also looking sexy when taking a shower.

Bruce Lee's Ways of Kung Fu: Sisters Who Slay the Dragon

It's not Dragon Lee's first movie. Not even close. It's more like his 15th! So Bruce Lee's Way of Kung Fu could be accurately described as the midway marker of Dragon's big screen career. Which had me puzzling: Why do the credits list him as "Bruce Lei"? Was the allure of Bruce Lee that great six years after the movie icon's death? Or was Dragon ashamed of this particular pic? One fact is clear: This movie has nothing to do with the late Bruce Lee or his singular technique. So the title is doubly misleading: No Bruce Lee, no Bruce Lee moves. What do you get instead?

A surly king has a cadre of kung fu babes who defend him against a series of male martial artists; over 700 have died so far according to the blind codger who works as the local coffin-maker. If anyone would know, he would! According to the wise one, Dragon Lee — in Mowgli garb and a pageboy haircut — is the first guy to go into the palatial caves and come out alive. Barely. I mean, he gets his ass whupped in a cave, on a beach, in the forest, and in the ocean. Amid these various landscapes, our hero is subject to fishing nets, steel coils, and dart-throwing fans. Maybe Dragon chose the pseudonym for this flick because he didn't like getting beat up so much. As one character tell him fairly late in the movie, "Your only weakness was you didn't have the strength." That's pretty damning in a martial arts movie.